My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
