I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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