Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
