FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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