I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
