I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
