i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
