Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
