I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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