dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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