If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
