Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just google imaged poop.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
