just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
