I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
