I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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