I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
