Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
