are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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