this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
