I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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