i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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