I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
