so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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