talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
