here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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