Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about youâ€
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