So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
