Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
