According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Drake has all the answers
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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