Whod you bang
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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