i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
