just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
