the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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