My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
