Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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