dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
