If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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