so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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