remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i barfeds in our rink
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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