grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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