Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
