listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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