I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
