Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I AM VODKA MAN
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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