Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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