my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
