she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
