her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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