We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
