i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
