i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
