i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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